Step 4 Questions about Adulthood

• When, how and in what instances has your selfish pursuit of sexual pleasures damaged yourself and/or other people? What people were hurt, and how badly?


• Did you spoil your marriage or injure your children through selfish pursuit of sexual relationships and/or your addiction?


• Did you jeopardize your standing in your community through the selfish pursuit of sexual relations and/or your addiction?


• Was I ever caught in compromising positions? If so, did you I feel guilty or try to absolve my guilt and blame it on others?


• How have I reacted to frustration in sexual matters? When denied, did I become vengeful or depressed? Did I "take it out" on other people?


• If there was rejection or coldness at home, did I use this as a reason for promiscuity?


• Did I ever feel lonely and try to get involved sexually to overcome a sense of loneliness? How did I feel after the experience? Did I feel even more lonely?


• If you are or have been married, what kind of person did you marry? How do they remind you of your mother or father?


• Why did you get married? Or if you are not married, why have you not gotten married?


• Did you marry earlier or later than your peer group?


• If married, do you resent the responsibilities of marriage and family?


• If married, do you allow your family of origin to come between you and your spouse?


• Does your spouse think that you are immature, a baby?


• Have your parents gotten you out of trouble that you should have been able to handle yourself?


• Do you gossip about others?


• Are laws made for other people? Do you have the right to make up your own laws as you go along?


• If revenge were possible now, who would be the top people on your list? Why?


• What are your present feelings about sex?


• What are your present feelings about parents?


• What are your present feelings about brothers?


• What are your present feelings about sisters?


• What are your present feelings about grandparents?


• What are your present feelings about friends?


• What are your present feelings about your children?


• What are your present feelings about your spouse?


• What are your present feelings about your intimate friends?


• What are your present feelings about the people you work with or have worked with?


• What are your present feelings about your job?


• What are your present feelings about your addictive behaviors?


• What are your present feelings about finances?


• What are your present feelings about your marriage (or divorce, accordingly)?


• What are your hopes and goals?


• Do you use sex as a punishment or reward?


• Is your sex life as mature as you would like it to be? If not, in what ways do you believe that it should be more mature?


• Are you careless of your partner's feelings?


• Write out your ideal of a healthy sex life.


• Write out all of your perverted sexual experiences (homosexual, members of your family, animals, etc.)


• Do you engage in sex in order to build your own ego or to get a feeling of conquest?


• Are you afraid of being sexually rejected?


• Are you ashamed of your body or the way that you look?


• Write down what is most displeasing to you about your physical appearance.


• Write down what you are most pleased with about your physical appearance.


• Do you use people to get what you want?


• Do you gossip or perform character assassination on another person in order to "make it" in the business or social world? Or do you do this in order to feel superior to the one gossiped about?


• If you are a thief, what have you stolen?


• Have you "stolen" your employers time or intentionally destroyed good feelings that others have had towards you?


• Do you have a pattern of getting sick (be honest)?


• Do you use illness as an excuse to avoid responsibilities, get attention or sympathy or get out of a jam?


• From your business relationships, write out resentments that you have or have had towards bosses and co-workers. Do you feel jealous or threatened by them?


• List all negative feelings you have had about the people involved in your work life.


• Are you indifferent and careless at your job? Do you think that perhaps you should be the boss?


• Do you use the excuse that because you no longer drink or drug that your boss, family or friends should not expect so much from you?


• Do you work compulsively?


• Describe what you believe to be a healthy balance between work and the rest of your life.


• Whose approval are you trying to get at work? Your boss? Your parents? Your own? Your Higher Power?


• If you are divorced or are getting one, write out negative feelings about the situation and the people involved. Include resentments, fears and guilt concerning your relationship with your spouse and your children.


• If you are married, write out TRUTHFULLY and EXACTLY how you feel about your spouse and children. Are they living up to your expectations? Are your expectations unreasonable? If not, then what would reasonable expectations be and how can you help those things come about?


• How do you think your life would be different if your wife and/or children were not in your life?


• Do you feel that no one really understands you? (Like if they only knew what you had been through then they would not expect so much from you)


• Do you feel different from others in recovery? Do you feel inferior or superior?


• Do you avoid looking at yourself by seeing others (perhaps in recovery) and say things like "At least I am not THAT flaky"?


• Do you judge or make fun of people who appear to be less fortunate mentally, physically, or morally than you THINK that you are?


• Do you compare yourself to others to make yourself suffer by picking people who are further along in the program than you, or people who are talented in areas that you are not?


• List every act or deed that you swore that you would take to the grave and would disclose to no one. Be open and honest. The Big Book says "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it no matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others." (p.83-84)


• Are you afraid of getting too close to another person for the fear of being rejected?


• Do you reject others before they can reject you?


• Define love. What is your definition of love as expressed through both your head and your heart?


• In what ways are you a responsible person?


• Are you a tightwad? Or do you spend with no thought of tomorrow?


• What are your fears concerning money?


• Is your personal appearance careless or full of pride?


• Do you judge people on first sight by their appearance?


• What things bring up feelings of greed, anger or envy in you?


• Are you scornful of ideas that are not your own?


• Do you tell others how bad that you have been or are, as source of "pride" or a tool for self-pity or depression?


• Do you tell people how great you are or have been as a way to boost your ego and false sense of security?


• How do you feel about your family members - parents, brothers, sisters, other family members - right NOW?


• Do you have any resentment or hateful feelings towards your family now, and if so then what are they?


• What makes you feel guilty?


• Do you pad your expense account or use food allowances to buy things just for yourself?


• Do you feel resentment towards others in your recovery group(s)?


• What kind of lies do you tell the most?


• Do you have a need to play the "big shot"?


• Are you hurt when people turn away from you and won't play your games?


• Do you resent not getting as much attention as you did when you were new in your recovery group?


• Do you help to protect new members in your recovery group?


• Do you maintain a respectful distance from members in your recovery group rather than something heavy that might lead them to go off of their program?


• Do you use the weaknesses of others in your recovery group to take advantage of them sexually? Or does just the consideration of this make you feel repulsed?


• What kind of things do you waste the most time worrying about - the future or the past?


• Do you find yourself punishing your children the way that your parents punished you?


• Do you say "I give my family everything they want, but they are never satisfied"?


• Do you spend so much time making money that your family sees little of you?


• Do you spend too much time with your recovery group?


• Do you take at least one night a week for just your family?


• Are you cold and indifferent to your family, friends or your own emotional, physical or spiritual needs?


• Are you loaded with a large sense of guilt for putting people through so much difficulty?


• Do you threaten others by saying that you cannot stay on your program if you don't get your way?


• Are you involved in a love affair (physically or mentally)?


• Do you argue with people? Is it very important for you to be "right" in disagreements? If you had to choose between making a point and being "right" or instead being quiet but being happy, then which would you choose and why?


• Do you become angry when people don't see things the way that you do?


• Do you pass along gossip or make things up about other peoples behaviors?


• Do you worry about other people's Higher Power not being as good as yours, or perhaps better than yours?


• Do you compare other peoples spiritual growth with yours?


• Do you feel superior spiritually? Inferior?


• Do you feel superior because you have more education, money, a certain skin color, social background, vocation or other seeming advantages?


• List your feelings of superiority.


• Do you feel inferior because you have less education, money, a certain skin color, social background, vocation or other seeming advantages?


• List your feelings of inferiority.


• Do you think that you are superior to the general run of people?


• List ways in which you think that you are different than other people.


• Do you have a difficult time getting to places on time?


• Do you resent others who seem to have an easy time of finding happiness?


• Are you still judging the outside of others by the inside of you?


• Have you asked people who seem to be happy how they have gotten that way?


• Do you still envy people who can indulge in your addiction?


• Are you hostile because you don't like the hand that life has dealt you?


• What are your present fears? List them all.


• What dysfunctional approaches to you use to get peoples attention (pouting, sulking, temper tantrums, being extra good and letting them know, playing dumb or stupid, frustrating others activities, griping)?


• In addition to any addictive behavior, what character defects contribute to your financial instability?


• Does fear or feelings of inferiority destroy feelings of confidence in your job or fill you with conflict?


• Do you try to cover up feelings of inferiority by bluffing, cheating, lying, evading responsibility or being boastful of your abilities?


• Do you have such unprincipled ambition that you double-cross or undercut your associates?


• Are you extravagant?


• Do you recklessly borrow money, caring little whether you repay it or not?


• Are you a penny pincher? Do you refuse to share with your family properly?


• Do you try to cut corners financially?


• Are you involved in "quick-money" deals - the long shot "sure thing" that would rocket you to riches?


• Have you mismanaged your household budget?


• Looking at both past and present, what sexual situations have caused you anxiety, bitterness, frustration or depression? Appraising each situation fairly, can you see where you have been at fault?


• Do you believe that your difficulties came upon you because of selfishness and immaturity on your part or from unreasonable demands outside of you?


• How well do you accept the conditions that you cannot change?


• How much do you value my own peace of mind and serenity?


• If you are unable to change difficult financial situations, are you willing to take the measures necessary to shape your life to conditions as they are?